The Hapless Struggle: Trying to Meet All Your Responsibilities EQUALLY!

[Judy Bardwick]

The famous literary critic, Robert Morris asked me some very interesting questions. Here is one regarding how to obtain a balanced life. After reading my answers to his questions, Bob added, "A cursory reading of the material indicates that it is remarkably solid in terms of substance and eloquent. No news there."
Thank you, Bob!

Morris: In your opinion, is it possible to balance what is most important in one’s career with what is most important in one’s personal life? If so, what to do? What not to do?

Bardwick: In my own experience, it is not possible to balance work and one’s personal life except for relatively brief periods. Different phases in childrearing and work normally require greater effort in one part far more than in another. When that happens, and it inevitably does, less attention is paid to other sectors.

Most people think of a balanced life in terms of how much time is given to the various sectors of a life. While time is one measure of involvement, I think the critical variable is passion. How energized, fascinated and absorbed are you in each sphere in which you are engaged? They are rarely, and usually only briefly, equal

When relationships are pretty new, and before there are children, it is usual for people who have careers - in contrast to jobs - to commit enormous energy and time to both the relationship and their career. The demands, pressures and insecurity in the beginning of careers and relationships result in a rough balance between the two commitments. That normally changes with the arrival of the first child.

When children are very young there is no end to the attention they require and demand. And infants come equipped with an irritating cry that few parents can ignore. That’s why, beginning with the first child, unless people have full-time help, or a delighted grandparent next door, one partner typically cuts back on work, either leaving the labor force or working part time in a less demanding role. Child rearing is demanding, fulfilling, frustrating and absorbing. It is also exhausting. There goes balance! (Briefly noted: children bring great joy but adult play and fun often become faint memories).

Before Competitive Childrearing became the norm and parental preoccupation with children became the hallmark of excellent childrearing, the hands-on care of children declined as children grew older and were expected to become more responsible for them selves. For many women, the time when children were old enough to go to school marked the beginning of their opportunity to devote less time to childcare and more time and focus on work. For some women that became an opportunity to return to their careers or school. It was, and for some this may still be the beginning of a better balance between us and me, and work and domestic responsibilities.

But with today’s prolonged criteria of hands-on child-rearing excellence, and the school’s and after-school pressure for high levels of parental involvement, childcare can easily become and remain the over-ridding commitment.

That was historically true largely for women but now more men are impacted either because of the high unemployment rate in this deep recession or because divorce has resulted in two single-parent households. The unbalanced demands of childcare, usually result in less commitment to career and often, to the relationship as well. In this sense childcare can now create the same kind of danger to a relationship as when one or both partners have a disproportionate focus on their career.

Right now, childcare and work command the greatest focus, awareness, and effort. Commitment to, and time for the adult relationship, today, has become the tail of the dog. And making everything harder, the criteria of excellent performance at work, in childrearing, and as a spouse or partner keep rising. There is more than enough stress to go around.

This is a catch 22. While there is enormous pressure to perform excellently in everything, a disproportionate focus on any one sector of life inevitably reduces the attention paid to the other spheres. It is possible to balance commitments in the short-term when the sun, moon and earth are briefly in synch and no part of life is clamoring more loudly than any other. But, for successful people, it doesn’t last. In addition to external pressures to achieve, successful people in work or childcare, find competition exciting, satisfying, and occasionally thrilling. There goes the old balance…again.

The balanced life is a goal, but for us it is mostly a myth.

To read a more thorough version of this blog, please visit my website: www.judithmbardwick.com

[Judy Bardwick]

Thanks Doug, Tim, Mike, Dave and Wayne for your thoughtful comments. The topic is one most people relate to because "good" people are supposed to lead balanced lives, i.e. not give too much priority to one sector over another. But! It's very difficult not to do that when you're really caught up in something that engages your passion as well as your mind.

I wrote what I did as an honest answer to a question from Robert Morris...but on reflection, I think I was trying to mitigate the guilt we are often prone to when we're deeply involved in something and balance has given way to tilt. I am personally very experienced in "tilt."

And Bob, you have me pegged! As you know, the next dragon is in sight. That inevitably means a long period of tilt!

[Doug Shaw]

Hi Judy - interesting. I've never really got balance (even though I enjoy Pilates!). It's too....pivotal for me. It feels too difficult to achieve that precarious state, the slightest speck will tilt the balance again, creating something unequal.

I enjoy riding a bicycle and I prefer to think of life as my wheels. Maybe one of my legs is work and the other is life? Anyway, I can turn the wheels with these legs, and the wheels can go faster or slower, or even freewheel somtimes. I can push harder with left, or right. All these things combine to move me forward. In this way I don't feel hapless. I don't always feel balanced either mind you, I came off hard a few months back. So what? Well I guess nothing works right all the time but - I like my wheels, they spin true.

I need a bike ride, thanks for reminding me.

[Mike Jones]

Good article on a tricky subject.

It is easy to drift from a balance as you react to circumstances (home and business). I often point (and redirect myslef for that matter!) to Steven Covey's work around defining your 'principle centres', 'roles', 'mission' and 'goals', and then planning weekly/daily accordingly. I think it is in the planning and the execution of that plan that matters; we often too easily drift from quadrant 2 working to 3/4 and end up in 1. Quadrants - its an other Steven Covey habit...

[Wayne Arnold Ruley]

Life balance is a tricky goal because it is very subjective. You may believe, through hard work and determination, that you have achieved a balance point in your life. However, your spouse, children, or boss may feel otherwise. My priroities in life go like this: 1. Family, 2. Work, 3. Education, 4. Everything else. My balance point is usually family focused, meaning family gets at least 50% of my attention, and work, eduation, and everything else combined get the other 50%. Your balance point, which will change at different points in your life, will be determined by your life priorities.

[Tim Deuitch]

Judy: I love your thoughts and as a dad of 3 (not yet teens) you're right in my wheelhouse. It's great to get counsel from a pragmatic idealist! I see a quest for balance of work/relationship/kids as a false ideal..though ironically it seems 'balance' is another achievement to pursue. I think balance is what we should hope for after averaging it all out vs. a state of being.

Passion - genuine - is indeed an equalizer. Undivided attention (without cell phones) is treasured by the kids and wife too. For their portion of the day and balance is about finding the work and habits that allow for both. It only took me 20 years. 'Fulfillment' is my pursuit vs. time. Being vigilant on doing enough of the things that feed you to balance out those that don't. Work meetings and commutes do not, being charged with contributing does. Packing school lunches does not, coaching my kids team...totally.

[David Zinger]

Hi Judy,
I always think of balance being dynamic balance not static balance and would fully agree that this keep shifting and that balance belongs more in a budget than in a life. Balance is not my goal, full expression of who I am and making significant contributions to others, including family, work, community, clients is my goal.
David

[Robert Morris]

It was privilege for me to interview Judy because I think so highly of her various books and articles, notably One Foot Out the Door. I view her as a pragmatic idealist, possessed of an insatiable curiosity to understand what works, what doesn't, and why...in combination with an abiding faith in what can be accomplished by faith and sufficient effort. There are lots of fat juicy dragons out there, yet to be slain. Go get 'em, Judy!